Well, before we get to Ubisoft’s E3 thing, let’s talk about the other stuff I watched that I didn’t make posts about. Koch Media… Not only did it include the lizard man himself Geoff Keighley, but it was possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Instead of, you know, showing games, they just pretended to talk about games (because half the shit they said didn’t mean shit), and none of it was meaningful or interesting. It was so pointless and long, it was basically unwatchable. I stopped watching to go to the IGN stream…

The IGN stream was… lots of advertising we didn’t want to see in-between the advertising we DID want to see. Compared to the Koch Media bullshit, this actually had games. Some of them were even a little bit interesting. They had nothing major to show, and they could’ve done without the “personalities” being boring in-between the trailers… This wasn’t great but it was kinda okay-ish after the pure boredom that was the Koch Media thing.

The Guerrilla Collective Showcase actually had several really cool games. My highlights were Akatori and Severed Steel, but there were actually several games that I’m sure many people will find interesting in there. You can check out most the games here.

The Wholesome Direct was meh. 75 games shown, none of them were particularly interesting to me. Some of them might be more your taste than mine, there were some that I’m sure will be a little bit popular. The link I put for Guerrilla Collective also has a list of things from the Wholesome Direct.

So anyways, it’s Ubisoft’s turn. We’ll more than likely only see one cool thing, that being the Mario+Rabbids sequel which Nintendo themselves leaked by mistake (they published the page for it on their website too early). This is hilarious that they’d do that, as it’s really the only thing Ubisoft probably had to show that wasn’t gonna be shit. The only other things they could show that could be interesting would be a new Rayman or a new Blood Dragon, pretty much, and I doubt that’s happening. Everything else Ubisoft makes is shitballs. So we’ll see I guess.

So anyways… this is gonna be my live reactions to the Ubisoft presentation. I will write these as I’m watching, then I’ll write my overall thoughts on what is sure to be a shitshow, then I’ll edit my live thoughts just to make sure they’re readable, and that’s that! Also I’m writing this intro before watching.

Well the countdown is about to end so time to watch this crap. Let’s go I guess.

The show

First is Rainbow Six Extraction. It’s a cinematic trailer, so it’s giving us exactly zero information about the gameplay. It’s a shooter, no idea if it’s first or third-person, where you fight aliens as a squad (and maybe the characters have different roles). I mean, this could be interesting, but I have no way to know. I’ll never understand why game companies will just announce games without showing any gameplay. September 16… it’s so soon so why not show just gameplay instead of a pointless CG trailer?

Okay I guess maybe now they’ll show a gameplay walkthrough… Or not, they’re just… saying words. Not really important words, of course, they’re literally just wasting everyone’s time… Just get to the gameplay… WAAH… okay there it might be. It’s “fake” gameplay, where they’re playing in a very scripted way, so they’re playing in a way that no actual human would ever actually play, or move around. You can tell from the fake ass camera movement that no real player would ever do. Wait this is a safe room like L4D. So essentially this is a Left 4 Dead style game, but a bit more strategic and stealthy which is a fun variation. It’s a kinda interesting game, but the reliance on multiplayer makes it a no-go for me, but it might actually be decent.

Rocksmith update. I mean, it’s Rocksmith… Not much to say about this, is there? This is a new version called Rocksmith+. One day I kinda want to grab me a guitar and try this out, I actually have Rocksmith on my Steam account. This new version doesn’t require the special cable anymore, just get the app on your phone and connect to the game. Interesting.

This looks like Steep? Maybe? But not necessarily just snow sports but also stuff like biking, and fucking jetpack gliding I guess. This is gonna be one of these games where there’s a lot of shit, but nothing will be particularly well made or fun. Zero interest from me on this one, whatever it is. Riders Republic. Maybe this was announced before, it sounds familiar… yeah, it was shown at Ubisoft Forward last year, totally forgot, very unmemorable. September 2.

Rainbow Six Siege. Just more updates on this old game. I’m not gonna pay attention to this.

Updates to live games, whatever that means… Wasn’t that what they just did with Siege? Anyways, here’s random BS for For Honor, Trackmania, Brawlhalla (note: this game is shit), The Crew 2, Watch Dogs… Other than TMNT in Brawlhalla, I didn’t notice anything meaningful here. Could’ve saved us the time and released this as a separate video on their youtube channel or something.

Ghost Recon Breakpoint… They mentioned it exists… okay? I’m confused.

Just Dance. I guess we need the dance number even when there’s no audience huh? So much stuff to skip. Oh, no actual dance number, but there’s some really shitty music. Listen to these awful lyrics, mainstream music is filled with idiots who give exactly no shits.

Vikings. Some AC Valhalla updates I presume? Yup, seems like it. Assassin’s Creed is ass. I’m ignoring this too.

Movies and TV series. God damn this is a waste of time, why is all that’s being shown stupid? Looks low-budget and… I couldn’t tell if the werewolf shit was a parody or an actual real thing.

Talking of memorable villains, I assume this is about Far Cry because I guess people think the Far Cry villains are memorable? I dunno, not a big fan. Yeah that’s it. So I guess we’re seeing a bit more Far Cry 6. The only good Far Cry is Blood Dragon, so I don’t care about this. It’s just another cutscene, which I find pretty pointless to show at all.

Not sure what this is. You play as Vaas and it features a bunch of Far Cry villains… This is tremendously confusing. Oh it’s the season pass for Far Cry 6… weird, this had nothing to do with Far Cry 6 at all. And we have something about Blood Dragon being represented, not sure what that even means. I’ll wait for actual info, none of this made any sense.

Space… And we have Mario in a spaceship. We have a Rabbid Luma, an evil space person, and the group is heading to a planet to fight shit I guess. It’s the leaked Mario+Rabbids Sparks of Hope. Hopefully we see a little bit other than this CGI trailer. This one has you going across the galaxy to defeat evil. So the Rabbid Lumas are called Sparks, they might have some interesting gameplay implementation. There’s a bit of gameplay now. They seem to have added some interesting gameplay elements like changing some of the movement mechanic and allowing you to I guess equip the Sparks or something for special attacks. Looks damn good.

Yves Guillemot is there to… talk about things I guess. I wonder how much I can ignore this. Let’s see.

Ah, first look for a game. An Avatar game. For some reason. I actually have no idea why I should care, or even who actually does care. I’m sorry, the movie was shit (and it’s really old and I don’t know why they’re making sequels), the previous games based on it were shit (EDIT: also made by Ubisoft, I noticed), and Ubisoft doesn’t inspire confidence as far as making another one. Of course this is all CGI so we have no idea what the actual gameplay might be like. Avatar: Frontiers of Pandora. K. Gave me no reason to give a shit. Show gameplay for your games, guys.

Is this it? Please be it. Ubisoft+ ad, I think this is it. Yup, there’s “more to come in the post show”, which I’m gonna not watch.

Overall

Ubisoft is a shitty company 😀

The highlights are… well… Mario+Rabbids Sparks of Hope which looks fucking cool, Rocksmith+ which looks like a nice new version of the game and Rainbow Six Extraction which I don’t care too much about myself but I do think it looks like it will be a pretty good Left 4 Dead-style game with more strategic gameplay than L4D.

Everything else… was basically updates for old shitty games and CGI trailers for new shitty games. Really if it wasn’t for Mario+Rabbids I’d give this presentation a big old zero. I mean, a fucking shitty Avatar game? Why?

You know… we got no info about Skull and Bones, or Roller Champions… were those scrapped? We also didn’t hear about Beyond Good and Evil 2, which looked bad last time we saw it and is apparently still “Very early in development”, so I wasn’t expecting it here.

I’m not gonna make posts for the Devolver or Gearbox presentations (or whatever UploadVR is), but I’ll be back tomorrow with posts for the Microsoft and Squeenix presentations (and a big maybe on the PC Gaming Show which tends to be way too long, and the Future Games Show, whatever that is). Anyways, the Devolver thing is starting with Shadow Warrior 3 so I’m watching that now. Cheers!